The forward moving broken

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. Funny thing is, I can really feel the time since. Writing has proven to be quite a release for me, one that I candidly didn’t expect. I’ve thought about why that is since I started and realized it’s because of how others have responded. It’s not validation for me, rather, validation that Autism can be beautiful and that if my writing helps convey that, then I’ll keep on!

Now on that note, this past week… well… I’ve been doing a lot of praying myself. Autism, while for the most part shows me a beautiful side of life that I couldn’t have known otherwise, also comes with its challenges. Eric will go through periods of emotional distress, that I am certain are due to his inability to communicate. But while he cannot speak his frustration, he will show it. He will constantly pace. Walking with intention of showing his discomfort. He will hum. Not melodic humming, rather loud aggressive humming. Incessant humming. I do not even know when he breathes kind of humming. Humming that is really his way of yelling at you that he’s mad he can’t communicate with you.

I actually tried it myself yesterday. To see if I too could hum for hours on end, non stop. Well, after about 5 minutes my abs were cramping and I felt an impending migraine brewing. How does he do it? Does it help or hurt him? I try to remind myself almost by the minute that it’s his way of coping. But for me, it’s my way of going insane.

It’s hard. You can’t get mad or upset by it, but it’s hard. It just. Doesn’t. Stop.

So I dig. I pace. I lock myself in a room for a bit. I count to a thousand. I pray.

I know soon, this too shall pass. That he will find peace and allow his body to rest. The saddest thing is the toll it takes on him. His body has about zero fat on it. He has a 10 pack. The constant state of movement, I know has to be exhausting him.

Over 15 years we’ve been down so many roads of treatment. Nothing of which has ever really made a notable difference for him in his quality of life. But that doesn’t mean we will stop. We are going to give biomed another shot, perhaps there has been progress there since our last try 6 years ago.

The week ended with a final outburst. Mid day at school, a self injurious meltdown that left him bruised and swollen. Fifteen minutes of hard, wailing crying. I can only imagine what he felt. In the middle of a high school cafeteria to just pop. For the humming to no longer cut it. For the only way to cope with his frustration to be to physically hurt himself.

Just think of it.

I take all that in, as I have year after year.. and remember that all we can do, is the best we can do. All we can do is to keep moving forward. All we can do is turn to our faith and pray for the strength we need.

I find the reasons to be thankful. Remember the good there is in being alive. I allow the petty to roll off me like a bad pair of Spanx. Just. Keep. Moving.

But I crack. I look for my phone, while I’m talking on it. I park at a red light and grab my purse to get out. I turn on the spigot thinking I’ll find my toothbrush in the water. It’s amazing I can do my job as well as I do,.. I think it’s because that is really the easy part of life for me.

As I write this it reminds me too that this is just a moment in time. That this too shall pass. That God will keep me strong to press on and see the beauty. That others out there who may struggle with their own issues will find solace in company. That where this is despair there is hope and that where there is doubt there is faith.

I, am a blessed woman.