Life, when will you be back?

It’s times like these people often take stock of life.. what’s important to them and just how fragile it is.

Some of us felt it all along,.. before a crisis showed up. We decided every day to get up and go because we believed that just by waking up in the morning, we were winning. We were alive. We had another day.

Erics humming has been on fire the past few days. His pace has quickened. His anxiety is up. But not because of a looming pandemic, but rather to the boredom of the wait.

Monotony destroyer mission, on.

Our good old faithful.. to ride. We set out for another winding and endless bike ride to feel the leaves breathing all around us and to forget the troubles of the day. The normally sleepy paths now pattered by long lost feet returning back to it. Eric, peddling merrily behind as the rain came pouring down. Our wheels slicing into puddles, serving as a cord back to the world we were floating through.

Car rides,.. taking direction to no where. Windows up, to feel the pulses of classical music thumping through. Tuned up to the max because he’ll have it no other way.

His love for my favorite, Clair de lune, giving us a moment of connection and peace. The verberations pulling time to shore as our thoughts drift away. The raindrops falling, blurring the vision of what’s ahead. The shaded brightness of daylight pressing gently into your eyes… an omniscient moment showcasing the simplicity of life.

Then realty taps your shoulder to remind you there is a real problem in the world. That when it comes down to it.. all that really matters in this world is who you love and who loves you. That it is all temporary. That when you meet that last day, you will hope to look back and not regret a thing.

His innocent ignorance…

When my heart feels broken and my mind misled, I can look at him and bring it all back to zero. Back to what matters and what does not. He puts in me the strength to be bold and fearless. That everything is ok because all we have is this moment right here. Life happens when we are not paying attention, but if you can slow down to see… things really are ok,.. and quite beautiful.

The day always starts the same and ends the same. The sun rises in the East and lays to rest in the West. The peach hues suckling wine from the brink. The magnitude of its beauty never aging or fading. It’s unforgiving consistency, regardless of who is there to admire its awe.

Yet, times get hard. The flashes come of what life will be for him when I’m gone. Who will care for him.. will he miss me? Will I get to hear him talk to me in heaven? Will I one day understand the big why?

The pandemic I am sure has brought a similar feeling to others in a multitude of different ways. Why is it though, that we need a crisis to remind us of our own mortality and what’s truly important to us? Can what we are and why we are just be accepted as enough and unknown.. and we just get on with it?

We decide every day. Some of us have decided to accept things the way they are… And some of us, have not. Some of us embrace the day and others dread to start. Some find themselves justifying the present as enough while they quietly fade away.

I can’t help but wonder how different we would all be if the realty of our last day was today. If there were no more time. If all to that point was enough?

But we are here now and in all likelihood will be tomorrow. What will it take? What is the wake up call? We are all here together breathing the same air, seeing the same sunset and gazing at the same stars. Yet we complicate it. We have bills. We have needs. We have envy.

And for what?

It doesn’t matter what we think we need. Or think we want. It matters that we move forward and are thankful for what we have.

Autism can be a real bitch at times… But I can promise you this,.. it’s the unsung hero of humanity’s connection to a beautifully ignorant innocence. I’ve learned more my son than any motivational speech I’ve ever heard or book I’ve ever read. What amazes me the most though,… is that not a word has to be said.

Who are we if not our weakest? What are we if we turn a blind eye? This world, while we are here, is only as good as who we are to each other. I pray that one day the whole world will see the beauty in Autism. That while its challenges are as consistent as the sun sinking into the night,.. its pure wonder will rise again if you watch.

It’s OK not to have the answers. It’s OK to let go. It’s OK to live for the moment because the truth is that’s all we all really have. A beautiful world isn’t one that just happens, it’s one that you have to actively seek. It’s one that takes a positive attitude and bravery to spread it. For myself, I remind myself of my decision every day. The decision to act. The decision to be positive. The decision to learn from my mistakes and keep moving forward. The decision to believe that there is a greater hand at play and that the person with the cards knows exactly what He’s doing.

Matthew 6:25-32

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”

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