The One Sheep

I often wonder about that one sheep….

Did he realize he was wandering away? Was he confused? Was he afraid?

When he realized he was lost, did he cry out to be found? Could he see his shepherd somewhere in the distance? Did he even understand how far he had wandered?

Why that one sheep went astray…. we will never know.

But we do know what Jesus did.

He went back.

He left the ninety-nine standing safely together…. and He went looking for the one.

It doesn’t really matter why the one wandered away…

Being lost wasn’t a reason to forget him. Being harder to reach wasn’t a reason to leave him behind.

Jesus went… and brought him back into the fold.

I think about that story a lot when I think about my Eric.

When the school bus stopped coming and school was finally over for Eric,… life became very hard.

His days suddenly changed… The routines he had known were gone… familiar people and places… disappeared.

He became lost inside his own mind.

I can only imagine what that felt like for him…. the fear, the anxiety, the confusion of trying to understand where everything he had known had gone.

The days became weeks… weeks became months… day in and day out, trying to figure out how to fill the void.

Being nonverbal, for Eric,.. often leads to communication in the form of self injury. The sounds stay with you… the sounds of blows against flesh…the sickening hollow thud of his head smacking against granite… the loud crack of the drywall every time his head went through it, echoing through the hall. The unbearable sounds of helplessness that broke and continue to break something in me every time.

We tried day program after day program, only to discover that they didn’t have the staffing, resources, or ability to support him… residential options with structure,… just not there.

Witnessing self injury… it scares people. It’s easier to look away than look this ginormous societal issue in the eye and say…. We can and we will do better. Instead, we leave it to the families… we leave it to them to figure out the puzzle of severe autism.

For the first year, I tried to build a life around him. I created routines. I found recreational activities. I reorganized my work around his needs. I incorporated him into as much of my life as I possibly could. I created opportunities to try to have him participate in work or just help me with daily tasks to give him purpose.

I did everything I knew to do.

But the self injury became worse. The more I tried the madder he became.

There were countless holes in walls. A constant tension in my chest and shoulder sat ever waiting for the next sound.. The bruises…. green, purple and black…. scattered across his face. His head with lumps that split to a bleed leaving scars and deformation of the beautiful face God gave him.

There is something indescribably painful about being a mother watching your child suffer at their own hands.

You know he is overwhelmed.

You know something is wrong.

But he cannot tell you what hurts…. what he is feeling…. what he is afraid of…. or what he needs you to change.

So you guess.

And then you guess again.

Medication after medication… having hope and glimpses of peace to only find the worst still to come.

I clinically logged everything.

Every medication.

Every dose.

Every behavior.

What Eric ate. Where he sat. What we were doing. The environment around him. The time of day. Even the direction and shade of the sun… desperately searching for the common denominator…

But there wasn’t one.

His OCD spiraling completely out of control.. bedtime routines played twice.. morning hours waking as early as 3 or 4am to begin the cycle of shower, then car ride,.. shower, then car ride,.. shower.. then car ride.. shower…. then car ride…

Aimless drives until he signals he’s done by 12 hits to the side of his face.

It has been a long and exhausting road for Eric,.. for all of us.

There are moments when, as a human being, you wonder… how much can you take?

The insanity of the repetition…

The heartbreak of watching someone you love hurt themselves right in front of you…. screaming in their stare at you to help them… wanting you to watch and see the pain they feel..

I try to remember I’m human. I try to remember God didn’t make me perfect. But it still doesn’t take the guilt of my breaking away.. I try hard to stay calm. Remember that Eric is in there and that he didn’t ask for the struggles he has… but it’s so hard. The relentlessness of it… you try, you ask, you beg, you plead,… you cry, you wail, you become lost yourself…

I’ve broken. .. Several times. I’ve acted in ways.. I’m ashamed to admit… I’ve lost my temper… I’ve found myself in dark despair… I hate myself everyday for not being better… not knowing how to help him… but I try.. I try so hard everyday to be who he needs. I pray everyday for Him to help me through… to stay strong to carry my sheep even when he fights me along the way.

But in the darkness… there is always light… you may have to squint to see it…. Wander around to find it… but it’s in there. I do believe deep down… God never leaves me… and that I need to learn to realize when I am the sheep that needs to be carried… and let Him do so.

I’m not afraid of the day I’ll die… but I am absolutely terrified of the world I will leave Eric to. Throughout these challenges we’ve had,… calls to crisis hotlines, desperate calls to the county and local resources begging for help… it’s a shocking reality to be left with…

The world has chosen to forget its most vulnerable sheep. Those who can’t find their way,… those who are afraid and alone,… the voiceless,… the families exhausted and terrified… my Eric… my love. Society may have forgotten you but I never will. I’ll always come back after the bruises… I’ll always keep searching for you… I’ll wake every day ready to be better than the last.

I’ll pray for this world to remember,… and to be brave enough to go after the one.

Luke 15:4–6 (KJV)

“What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.

And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.”

John 10:11, 14 (KJV)

“I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.”

“I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.”

Matthew 18:14 (KJV)

“Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.”

Amen.